"it all feels like so much _pressure_. finding partnership is _really_ important to me" - I think this is actually really significant, and I'd love to hear more of your thoughts on it in future posts!
My belief is that this sense of pressure/desperation/hopelessness can act as a major debuff to both taking action, as well as how well you do on dates (for lack of better phrasing on my end). It's part of what "just have fun and be yourself!" is trying to get at, but I agree it's not being communicated effectively. And paradoxically you might have to loosen your grip on your desire to find a partner, to help you find a partner.
"paradoxically you might have to loosen your grip on your desire to find a partner, to help you find a partner" yeah completely agree!! i think people get goal-focused in a way that's really unhelpful and tends to make them... instrumentalize people in a way that's really counterproductive on top of just *stressing them the hell out*
This is the one thing I kept insisting on w friends growing up, but it's like a pink elephant. The real advice is to get them so immersed in their pursuits that they fundamentally change from a dating-obsessed person to a... anything else person.
That's how I view it now. It's very *very* hard not to meet people if you're living a well-balanced life, but most people start out with a v atomized unintegrated life and keep stacking half-measures on half-measures.
e.g. subscribing to a meal kit delivery service because no time to cook, effectively opting for the band-aid solution instead of addressing the root cause.
My friends who have trouble with dating are 1) self-reported and 2) are in need of major growth in other life areas. No exceptions !
From that I gather it's (1) mindset and (2) premature ineligibility.
People keep rushing instead of thinking of dating as this thing you graduate into once you grow enough
"it all feels like so much _pressure_. finding partnership is _really_ important to me" - I think this is actually really significant, and I'd love to hear more of your thoughts on it in future posts!
My belief is that this sense of pressure/desperation/hopelessness can act as a major debuff to both taking action, as well as how well you do on dates (for lack of better phrasing on my end). It's part of what "just have fun and be yourself!" is trying to get at, but I agree it's not being communicated effectively. And paradoxically you might have to loosen your grip on your desire to find a partner, to help you find a partner.
"paradoxically you might have to loosen your grip on your desire to find a partner, to help you find a partner" yeah completely agree!! i think people get goal-focused in a way that's really unhelpful and tends to make them... instrumentalize people in a way that's really counterproductive on top of just *stressing them the hell out*
This is the one thing I kept insisting on w friends growing up, but it's like a pink elephant. The real advice is to get them so immersed in their pursuits that they fundamentally change from a dating-obsessed person to a... anything else person.
That's how I view it now. It's very *very* hard not to meet people if you're living a well-balanced life, but most people start out with a v atomized unintegrated life and keep stacking half-measures on half-measures.
e.g. subscribing to a meal kit delivery service because no time to cook, effectively opting for the band-aid solution instead of addressing the root cause.
My friends who have trouble with dating are 1) self-reported and 2) are in need of major growth in other life areas. No exceptions !
From that I gather it's (1) mindset and (2) premature ineligibility.
People keep rushing instead of thinking of dating as this thing you graduate into once you grow enough