swotters, slackers, and burnouts
recently i learned the term “swotters,” which is British for that type of student who brute forces exams by studying relentlessly. the type of student who thinks happiness is purely to be derived from good grades, that there’s no point chasing it when they could be cramming.
if swotters are on one end of the spectrum, slackers are on the other: students who’ve decided that, actually, exams aren’t really worth the trouble. they cut class, they don’t study. they do what they want, when they want to do it, without a thought for their future.
plenty of swotters burn out and end up looking like slackers with a whole lot more self-loathing, having a whole lot less fun, often with a lot less social support.
balanced students exist too; their happiness and sense of self-worth aren’t totally dependent on the outcome of the next exam, but they’re willing to put in some work. they might not make perfect marks every time, but they’re also not making themselves miserable. they’re not burning out. their performance tends to be consistent and, importantly, not at the expense of their happiness.
yes, this is a dating blog; yes, this is a long-winded analogy for three main ways people approach dating.
doing badly on exams is stressful. relaxed people are better at test-taking.
being single when you don’t want to be is depressing. happy people are more attractive.
fuck.
if “scoring an A on an exam” is “getting into a happy long-term relationship,” swotters expend their energy:
attending a lot of events they aren’t interested in
slogging away on dating apps
going on a lot of boring dates
“working on themselves”
trying to contort themselves to fit into the mold of “the ideal [insert their gender here]”
this is a miserable way to grind for dates in the hopes of finding a partner, which is a precondition for enjoying your life, just like rote memorization and cram school and all-nighters are a miserable way to grind for grades in the hopes of getting on a good career path, which is a precondition for enjoying your life.
on the other end of the spectrum, being a slacker in dating tends to look like:
keeping within your social comfort zone
spending most of your spare time on interests that don’t involve meeting opposite-sex singles
embracing an attitude of “[opposite gender]: who needs ‘em?”
you might be open to potential partners, but only if one is willing to slot themselves into the life you’re already building for yourself.
in the horsehoe theory of, uh, college admissions and dating, burnouts are where swotters meet slackers. they have no sense of self-worth, and the only way they can see themselves developing one is if they find a relationship. no motivation to go out and grind, because they know it would make them even more miserable, and it would be a waste of time, especially in their depressive state. no social support network to get them out of their heads (where the problem is).
alright, so none of these approaches are great, but people don’t fall into them for no reason. each of them has merits (yeah, even the burnout angle):
what swotters get right:
it’s possible for you to find a good, long-term relationship
a relationship isn’t going to fall into your lap if you just sit there, or dissociate into short-term entertainment, or strictly pursue your favorite same-sex activities, or only hang out with the friends you already have
you have the ability to make yourself more appealing to the opposite sex
what slackers get right:
anyone can be happy without a romantic partner (even if you’d be happier with one)
a romantic partner isn’t actually in and of itself enough to make you happy (in the same way that acing all your exams and getting into your university of choice isn’t in and of itself enough to make you happy)
you can’t rely on a partner for 100% of your support; strong bonds with friends/family are essential
what burnouts get right:
joyless grinding isn’t worth it
the dating equilibrium doesn’t serve anyone
you shouldn’t have to change yourself to deserve love
as you’d expect, a well-balanced dater(??) takes all these things into account. rather than trying to brute force the dating problem or giving up entirely, they approach the process of finding a partner with openness and sense of genuine curiosity. (yep, it’s that same “genuine curiosity” that seems to outperform rote memorization in test-taking.)
now that i’ve driven the student analogy into the ground, here’s an even worse one:
for those of you who haven’t played the Sims (what the fuck were you doing in the early 2000s????)1, it’s basically a life simulator where you try to balance the competing needs of a little guy (or multiple little guys) living in a house. if you don’t take care of (his/their/)your basic needs, you can die of starvation, or become so depressed that you lose your job. it’s just like real life but with a lot less bladder control and a lot more “accidentally burning down your house because you were sad while cooking.”
anyway don’t look at the analogy too hard, just think about these little meters, which all contribute to your overall mood, which in turn affects your ability to accomplish your goals. in real life, i mean.
swotters spend slack aggressively in pursuit of their goals. something is always in the red, their mood suffers, but they’ve got just enough juice to keep going.
slackers prioritize keeping all their bars in the green and never actually make use of any of that slack they’ve built up.
burnouts are… yeah, they’re the ones standing in a puddle of piss holding a frying pan while their house burns down around them.
this is pretty true to life. you gotta keep your bars in the green. once they’re in the green, you gotta actually do something with that slack.
and if your house is on fire, put out the damned fire.
ok, but what do well-balanced people actually do??
first: i expect you’ll have noticed that most people don’t fall cleanly into one category at all times. but the temptation seems to be to ping-pong between grinding and disconnecting, rather than taking just the good bits from each mode.
you’ve probably heard some formulation of “a relationship will find you when you least expect it,” which sounds like slacker talk except: 1) it’s pretty accurate and 2) it leaves out the bit where you have to be open to the opportunity. not open like “if someone wants to slot themselves into my life they’re welcome to try.” open like: if you’re rapunzel and you want a prince to save you from the tower, you need to let down your hair. (to be clear: you need to be regularly meeting new people and to be open to the possibility of dating some of these people)
what you want is a diversified approach. a solid foundation of friendships and family and hobbies to keep your spirits up, and the willingness to venture out into the world and try new things and meet new people. you don’t even have to wait until you’re done constructing that foundation! but it really, really helps to have one in the works.
there’s a lot more to be said about the specifics of how to find and court a potential partner, but this post has gone on long enough. until next time!
thanks to my extremely offline anon boyfriend for sanity-checking this post!
check out my website if u’d like to book a matchmaking or dating troubleshooting meeting
if you say “i wasn’t born yet” i will sign up for a nursing home RIGHT NOW so help me god
The academic analogy helped me understand this very deeply, thank you 🙏🏾